


Achromatopsia

by abnormalphangirl



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Color Blindness, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Soulmates, M/M, Platonic Soulmates, Rewrite, Romantic Soulmates, Some angst, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 06:50:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19312873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abnormalphangirl/pseuds/abnormalphangirl
Summary: Since the beginning of time, people have been searching for their soulmates. Those soulmates would grant them something no one else could. The ability to see color.Since the beginning of his life, Phil Lester has been searching his his soulmate. His soulmate should grant him the ability to see color, but instead he finds something much more important. The baby next door, Dan, who changes his life forever.---story differs from original work so it's worth a read even if you read the first one





	1. Red

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Achromatopsia](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15655494) by [abnormalphangirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/abnormalphangirl/pseuds/abnormalphangirl). 



> hi,  
> so i wrote this story last year and it just didn't live up to my expectations so i decided to rewrite it. i wanted to leave the original up in case some people wanted to read that one too (but it kinda sucked so idk if you really want to)  
> i hope you enjoy my new and improved story  
> xoxo

** Desire **

The sound of rapid footsteps echoed through the nearly empty house as a four year old Phil ran across the hardwood floor of his new house. Boxes were stacked up in the lounge as his mom and dad brought them in from the moving van outside. Giggles left his mouth as he skid and slid into his new bedroom, peering out the window that looked out to the street. The smile couldn't leave his face. 

"Philly," Kath called out for her son, making Phil squeal and zoom out to the entrance where his mom was standing, holding a small box of his things. "Can you take this to your room? Then we're taking a break for a bit." she said softly, kneeling down to his level, handing the box over to Phil's open arms. His small legs took off as soon as the box hit his arms, running as fast as he could and not heeding his mother's warning to slow down. As he made it to his room, his legs stumbled and the box flew out of his arms. He heard Kath's motherly screech as she came running for him, scooping him off the floor. Tears fell from Phil's clenched eyes as he held tightly onto his mother's shirt. 

"Mommy!" he sobbed, tears effectively soaking through her blouse. She rubbed his back as she carried him out to the lounge, setting him down in the one chair they had brought in. Kath knelt in front of the chair and brushed his hair back out of his face. 

"Calm down, Philly. It's okay." she cooed as he glanced over him for injuries. "Where does it hurt?" Phil pouted slightly as he pointed at his knee, which looked as if it took most of the fall, the only proof being a big red spot where he hit it on the ground. "It's just red. There might be a bruise there later, but other than that, you should be fine." 

"It hurt, mommy." he continued to pout, making grabby hand out at her as he demanded to be held. Kath obeyed and lifted him off the chair, taking his place as she held him in her lap. 

"Do you want me to tell you a story to make you feel better?"

Phil nodded a bit and rested his head on her chest, "Can you tell the color one again?"

Kath couldn't help but smile a bit and nod, "Of course, I can." she cleared her throat and began the story, rubbing shaped on his back. 

"When I was born, I was just like you. In fact, everyone is. They see just what you see. Well, maybe a little different, but still. They don't see color, just gray and black and white. And just like you will one day, I set out to find the person who would change that, my destiny, if you will." 

"It started when I was little, just like you. I was starting primary school, so I was finally getting to meet a bunch of new people. And to every person I met, I would stick out my hand and say, 'Hi, I'm Kathy. Are you my color?' Once I realized that none of those people were, I gave up for a while. It wasn't until I started secondary school and I moved halfway across England that I was starting the search again. By that age, you hear stories of people who can see color, what they look like, how they found their destiny. So, I started research into how I could figure it out faster."

"I read of a tale of a little boy like you. He grew up eager to find his wife and he remembered a story his mommy had told him when he was little. The story goes, that some people, they can't see their soulmate until they kissed them. And so the little boy started kissing every girl he saw. Eventually, he kissed this little girl in his class and the colors bloomed right before his eyes. I thought that that would work for me. So, in Year 9, I started kissing boys. Ever boy I saw. And it didn't work until one day, when I met your dad. When I kissed him, he smiled so big. I had never seen anyone smile that big before. And the only other time was when your brother and you were born."

"And now I see all these pretty colors. You couldn't even imagine how beautiful they look, Philly. I think my favorite is blue because that's the color of your eyes. And I can just stare into your eyes forever baby. I can't wait until you can see the color of your wife's eyes. You deserve that, baby boy." Kath finished her story quietly, knowing that the young boy on her chest had already fallen asleep long before she finished her last word. She cradled Phil in her arms for a few minutes before she was interrupted by a knock on the front door, startling Phil a bit. Kath stood and placed him back in the chair before walking over to get the door, feeling Phil's eyes staring as he hid behind the arm of the seat. 

The door swung open a bit and Kath smiled, making polite but quiet chit-chat that Phil couldn't quite make out before she stepped back and opened the door all the way, making a small remark about that state of the room before a woman holding something in her arms. 

"Philip, come meet our neighbors." his mother said, gesturing for him to come closer. Phil climbed off the chair and slowly walked up, his thumb in his mouth a bit out of nerves. As he drew closer, he saw that the woman was carrying a small baby in her arms, wrapped in a blanket. 

"Phil, that's Daniel. I'm sure you two will grow up and be best friends." 

-

Dan was now about four years old , and those four years were ones that Phil cherished dearly. Just like their mothers predicted, the two of them became best friends. Dan came over whenever his parents were busy and Phil went over whenever his were. Both boys were in school now, and Phil had a habit of retelling Dan stories that he heard when he was younger. His favorite was the tale of colors. Dan loved listening to Phil's stories. He would cuddle into Phil's chest, just like he did with his mom when she told the same story. They even went to Phil's house after school everyday.

Dan clutched onto his backpack straps as he skipped behind Phil on their way home from school, giggling to himself a bit. "Philly, wait up!" he called out as he ran to catch up with him. But Phil wouldn't slow down. In fact, he hadn't even talked to Dan since they found each other in front of the school. A huff left Dan's mouth as he adjusted his gait to a run as he attempted to catch up to his friend. As he finally stood just behind him, he grabbed his arm, tugging on it slightly. 

"Leave me alone," Phil spat to him, yanking his arm back. "I'm not in the mood today, Dan."

"What's wrong?" Dan asked, pouting as he pulled his arm away. "Do you have a boo-boo?" 

Phil laughed a bit and shook his head. "No," he mumbled, a tone in his voice that Dan had never heard before. "I just had a bad day. So, drop it."

The rest of the walk to the house was silent, Dan just walking beside Phil as he stomped home. When they made it to the door, Phil pushed it open and called out for his mom immediately. 

"What's wrong, Philly?" Kath called out from the kitchen, peering her head around the corner. "Oh, hi, Dan."

"Hi, Mrs. Kath." 

Phil wrapped his arms around his mom's waist, burying his face in her sweater, his rambles incoherent for a good few minutes. 

"Honey, I can't hear you." she repeated, pulling Phil back a bit to look down at him. "Okay, tell me that again."

Phil's tears made him hard to understand, but Dan could make out the last part of the sentence. 

"-and now they can see the colors and I just want to see the colors, mommy." 

Dan's face heated up as he sunk back, crossing his arms to hide himself from the situation. He watched the whole discussion between Phil and his mum from the background, knowing very well that he was out of place. Mostly because he knew that Phil would be even more upset to know that he could see those colors himself. 


	2. Orange

** Change **

Since Phil was the older of the two boys, he took it upon himself to help Dan with his schooling and now that Dan was quickly approaching secondary school, he needed help getting through his tests. 

"I don't think you understand, Phil. I just don't get it." Dan cried out, holding his head in his hands as Phil sat on the bed next to him, rubbing his back. Phil was really trying to sooth him, to calm him down so they could talk, but he just came off as patronizing. Dan leaned away from him as he used the back of his hand to wipe his eyes. 

"Hey, I'm trying to understand. Help me understand." Phil said, his voice full of affection and understanding. He knew what it was like to have to take his entry exams. Four years ago when he was struggling to remember some obscure history lessons and maths equations and sobbing for the same reasons Dan was, Dan was there for him. Probably more than he knew. 

Dan was only six when Phil had to take his entry exams for secondary school, sitting next to Phil in silence, pipping up with a funny pun or statement when he could tell Phil needed it the most. And now that Dan was in the same position, he could tell that that's what he needed the most. 

"It's just..." he choked, groaning. "It's too much to remember." Dan whispered, obviously defeated by the workload. 

"I know it seems like a lot, you've just got too much useless knowledge in that noggin of yours." Phil said, tapping Dan's head with his finger. "Just gotta get rid of all that stuff about me so you can pass your test." 

Dan's eyes widened, now the size of the moon, staring at Phil as he turned paler than usual. 

"No!" Dan cried, "I mean... I-I just think that I need to take a break." he mumbled, moving away from Phil with his jaw clenched. Phil let a sigh escape his throat as he nodded in agreement, staring up the the popcorn ceiling while he let his mind think of how they could distract themselves. 

"Here, I know what to do. Let's go for a walk." 

~

Dan was still flustered as he walked next to Phil, his fists clenched next to his side. Why would he freak out like that? Phil was just making a joke and he had to go make a fool of himself and almost out himself that he had a huge crush on the older kid. 

Of course he had a crush on Phil. He was in Year 9, he was tall, he was funny, he was sweet. That's all he ever wanted in a wife, so the fact that Phil wasn't a girl never really hit him until this year. That's when people started to attack their friendship. They would make snarky remarks about the fact that Phil would walk from his school to pick Dan up and walk him together. 

Phil's response to those were always the same;

"Don't mind them. They are just jealous that they don't have a friendship like we do." Always with that stupidly beautiful grin and soft eyes. It's because of that that Dan knows he'll never have a chance with Phil. Hell, Phil was obsessed with figuring out who his soulmate was and since it wasn't Dan, he wouldn't even think about dating him. 

"You okay?" Phil asked, his tone full of nerves like he was scared of upsetting Dan again. 

"-'m fine. Just thinking."

"About the test?"

Dan shook his head, "No, something else." he answered truthfully. "I'm not worried about the test anymore really."

Phil grinned, his bright white smile shining against the sun. "Really? That's great!" he grabbed Dan's arms, shaking him a bit. He let out a nervous laugh, letting Phil shake him as his jaw clenched. 

~

Phil hovered at the school entrance, waiting for Dan to finish up his school day, his eyes locked on the book in his hand that needed to finish for English Lit the following day. As his eyes scanned the page, he heard some voices call out to him and he looked up to see his friends; Chris, Pj, and Louise.

"Hey, Phil, what you doing here?" Chris asked as he approached, leaning against the tree next to the entrance. Phil smiled a bit, happy to see his friends, although he would much rather be with Dan. He knew they would find that weird, that he liked a 10 year old better than his fellow 14 year olds but Dan just understood him.

"I'm waiting for a friend. He's in Year 6."

He could see the wheels spinning before they all thought they understood.

"Oh," Pj started. "Like a pity friend?"

Phil furrowed his brows. "No. I've known Dan since I was four."

"But he's so immature, how could you be friends with him?"

"He's not immature."

"How do you expect to find a girlfriend with a 10 year old hanging off your ankle all the time?" Louise asked, quirking her brow. Phil knew that they were just trying to look out for him but it was starting to piss him off. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, he spotted some kids walking down the pavement with their own friends, signalling that school had let out. He snapped his book closed and turned towards the entrance of the school to bit to see Dan standing there, staring at him with tears in his eyes.

"Dan,"

Phil tried to reach out to him, but it was too late, he was already bolting down the street, not even towards their neighborhood. He turned his head back to Chris, Pj, and Louise, glaring at them a bit. 

"Phil, you've got to move on from him. He's a kid, maybe this is for the best."

"Shut up," Phil snapped, turning back to chase after Dan, his legs taking him as fast as he could go in the same direction. He called out Dan's name and ran, his chest heaving as he finally caught up to him in a park that the two went to hang out quite a bit. 

"Dan," Phil panted, trying to catch his breath as he stood in the quiet corner of the park. This area was almost exclusively Dan and Phil's; the trees gave it the perfect amount of cover and privacy so the friends could just be together and talk, the ground was covered in lush grass and it had minimal insects bothering them. It was perfect. 

"Leave me alone, Phil." Dan mumbled as he curled up in a ball, Phil knew it was his way his hiding when he couldn't actually hide. 

"Listen, my friends are jerks. I don't think you're a pity friend and I don't think you're annoying. You're my best friend, I don't care about the age difference."

"You're four years older than me, Phil. When I graduate secondary school, you'll be graduating Uni. That's insane. And they're right, no girl is gonna want to date you with a little kid hanging around all the time."

"I don't want to date a girl." Phil stated matter-of-factly. 

"You've got to date a girl. How else are you going to find your soulmate and get a wife."

"I don't know if my soulmate's going to be a girl or a boy." Phil answered, taking a seat next to Dan. "Plus, I don't even know if I want to be with a girl if they are my soulmate." he mumbled. 

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I-I don't know. I think I might be gay." 

"H-How do you know? Your soulmate-"

"You'll understand when you're older." Phil said softly. "You just don't know some of the stuff I do. About life."

"What are you talking about?"

Phil sighed softly, leaning against Dan's side, his head laying on his shoulder. "Well... I guess I could tell you so that your parents don't have to." Phil sucked in a breath and held Dan close, thinking of ways to describe what he was thinking to Dan. 

"You see, when you get older, things start to change. You know when you have a crush on someone now and it's mostly because they are sweet and pretty? Well, when you get to my age, you focus on... different things."

"Different things?"

"Like, adult things."

"Oh," Dan mumbled, looking up at Phil a little. "Explain the adult things."

"Well..."


	3. Yellow

**Loyalty**

Phil's graduation was quickly approaching now, only about four months away. He kept Dan very involved in his life, but something that slowly stopped happening was sleepovers. Now, Dan never stayed over at Phil's house, mostly because Phil's new boyfriend didn't condone of it. 

Theo was a nice guy and he was actually quite attractive, Dan had to give him that, but there was something about him that didn't sit right with Dan. Probably because he's with Phil and Dan isn't. Theo was the year above Dan, about a foot shorter than Dan, hair that curled like Dan's but it was blonde, and bright blue eyes that only seemed to compete against Phil's own. Phil was very open about his relationship with Theo, telling Dan everything about what happened between the two of them. 

"So," Phil said, laying on his stomach on Dan's bed, his elbows propping himself up to watch the boy in front of him who insisted on studying that day. "Me and Theo are getting pretty serious." he spoke happily, Dan could tell. He really like that boy and Dan felt bad for not liking the relationship because it meant he couldn't be there for Phil more. He always felt the need to pull himself out of their business as much as he could, mostly for his own protection. Dan's stomach sunk faster than it ever had before and he nearly dropped the pencil that was precariously perched in his fingers, tapping on the book in his lap. 

"You..." Dan started immediately, his lips and tongue suddenly dryer than they have ever been. "Serious? What do you mean by that?" 

"He said that he loved me the other day."

Dan's eyes widened, that was something that he said to Phil almost everyday. Apparently to Phil, when Theo said it, he meant it, and when Dan did, he didn't. 

"Okay," he started, trying to figure out how to say what he is wanting to say. "Not to be mean, but how does he know? It's been like three months since you started dating."

"It was like love at first sight." 

Dan laughed a bit, but immediately regretted it from the look he got from Phil. 

"What are you laughing at?"

"I just don't believe in love at first sight, that's all." Dan answered truthfully, "I think you have to really know someone to love them. I believe in attraction at first sight, but love means so much."

Phil furrowed his brows a bit, obviously annoyed at the situation. His best friend was basically saying his boyfriend didn't love him. 

"How would you know? You've never dated someone." Phil snapped, his face softening as he saw Dan's hurt expression. "I'm sorry," 

"You don't need to date someone to be in love with them." Dan answered with, snapping his book shut, keeping his eyes down in his lap. 

"I know. I'm sorry, I love you." 

That didn't meant anything to Dan but he still responded with a heartfelt, "I love you too,"

~

Phil was correct to say that things were getting more serious between him and Theo, because suddenly Dan found himself not being able to see Phil for days at a time because he was occupied with Theo after school doing God knows what. Well, actually, Dan did know what they were doing but he didn't like to admit that his lifelong best friend and crush was off making out and wanking with another boy. 

Dan told himself time and time again that his crush to go away. He started saying that when he was about eight and realized that Phil was content just being friends and nothing more and it had only gotten worse. When Dan was about 13, he found himself wanking to the thought of his best friend for the first time, he knew that it was too late and he couldn't stop himself. 

Tonight was one of the nights that Phil was preoccupied with his boyfriend, so Dan was sat in his room, catching up on his studying for history at his desk. He had his head buried in his book when he heard a knock on his bedroom door. He furrowed his brows and rolled his eyes, assuming it was just his mother. 

"Yes, mum?" he called out, continuing to read. 

"It's not your mum." Dan heard; it was Phil. He sat up in his chair and turned his head towards the door. 

"Come in,"

Phil slowly pushed the door open and the first thing Dan noticed was the new deep purple hickeys that line his collarbone that were just barely visible above his shirt. The second thing, however, is the fact that his eyes were puffy and red, mimicking his lips. 

"What's up?" Dan asks casually as he stands up from his chair and makes his way to his bed, gesturing for Phil to join him. 

"Well, you know how I was hanging out with Theo today?"

' _Can you call a heated makeout session hanging out?_ ' Dan almost said, but instead he just nodded. 

"Things started to get... heated." Phil said as he made his way over to Dan's bed finally, perching himself on the edge. "When things were getting to where they usually are, he told me that he wanted... more."

"Phil, why are you all of a sudden talking in codes. You tell me everything, I'm not going to judge." Dan said softly, meaning every word of it. 

Phil sucked in a breath and nodded, "Fine. We were both shirtless and we were making out like usually and I asked him if he wanted a handjob because that's what we usually do. He told me that he wanted... to fuck me."

Dan's face turned red as he scanned Phil's body a bit, trying to figure out if anything happened, as if he could tell. 

"Okay... and did you guys fuck?"

"I told him that I wasn't sure if I wanted to. And if I was going to have sex with him that I would feel much more comfortable giving than receiving." Phil glanced over at Dan for the first time since they made eye contact as he walked in. "H-He freaked out, Dan. He told me that if I loved him then I'd let him. When I said that I still didn't want to, he just got dressed and left, yelling at me that I... I was a prude and that I will never find love." Phil choked out, his eyes watering again. Dan crawled across his bed to take his rightful spot next to Phil, his arms wrapping around his crying friend. 

"I'm here for you, just let it out." he whispered to him, letting him cry as long as he needed to. It hurt him to feel Phil shake and sob in his arms but he couldn't distance himself. Not when Phil needed someone to be there with him. 

"He's wrong," Dan mumbled to Phil as he began to calm down. "You have every right to control how you want to lose your virginity, that's not a prudish thing to do, that's the smart thing to do." he rubbed his arm softly, "To quote your mother; 'you have a precious flower to give away, make sure that only your soulmate plucks it'." Dan grinned as he tried his best Kath impression. 

Phil let out a laugh, his roaring one that Dan fell in love with, turning to look at Dan with a soft smile playing on his lips. "Thanks mum."

"No problem, sweetie." he teased, leaving a ghostly soft kiss on Phil's cheek. "Want to spend the night?"

"I thought I was going to just have to stick around until you passed out to sleepover." Phil joked, gladly pretty much back to himself. The two boys moved up to the headboard, laying next to each other, their body pressed flush together. Dan's eyes returned to Phil's neck, memorizing the color pallete of the marks, finding himself in love with the mixtures of the reds and purples against Phil's almost white skin. 

"What are you looking at?"

"Oh, nothing." Dan smiled to himself a bit, looking up into Phil's enticingly sapphire eyes. "Nothing at all." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapters 1-3 were posted 6/22/19  
> chapters 4-7 will be posted 6/23/19  
> chapter 8 will be posted 6/24/19
> 
> just so you can anticipate them :)


	4. Green

** Growth **

Dan was sitting in the front row with his family as Phil walked across the stage, his body covered in a black robe with the only thing visible being Phil's goofy red polka dot shoes that Dan begged him not to wear that day. Dan's never smiled bigger than when the monotonous voice said 'Philip Michael Lester' and Phil walked across the stage, his eyes wandering to Dan with an equally big smile. He managed to get across without tripping, thankfully, and made it back to his seat, chatting with some of his classmates, the smiling never leaving his face. 

Dan was so conflicted feelings wise that day. His best friend did it. He graduated. So, of course, Dan was ecstatic, but he was also suddenly very aware of the fact that at the end of the summer, Phil would be heading off to University of York without him. He was moving on from his childish best friend. 

When the ceremony was over, Phil made a beeline for where his family was. The smile was still very present as he gave his mum and dad a big hug, Dan's mum and dad a hug, before standing in front of Dan. Their parents stepped back a bit and just began discussing that night's dinner plans as the best friends stood there, just staring at each other. 

Dan couldn't help but smile, throwing his arms around Phil in a tight hug that lasted longer than it usually would. Dan's stomach lurched as his mind wandered a bit, trying to think about if that meant that Phil liked him before settling on it just being because of the emotions of graduating. Phil's hand rested on Dan's back, holding him against him. 

"I'm so proud of you for not giving up," Dan whispered to him. "You've worked so hard to get to this day." Phil smiled before burying his face in Dan's shoulder, letting some tears of happiness drip on his sweater, making note that it was the one Phil had gotten him for Christmas that year. 

Phil pulled away to wipe his eyes with the sleeve of the robe, grinning like an idiot at Dan. "You know that means that you can't give up either. I fully expect to be here in four years to watch the same 90 year old dude say 'Daniel James Howell' and see you trip across the stage."

"I won't give up. I'm too far in to just give up now." Dan laughed, pulling his sleeves over his hand to wipe his own tears away, reaching over to help Phil with his tears. 

"I love you," 

"I love you too," Dan whispered, smiling as he made eye contact with Phil, just now noticing the weirdly small distance between them. He sighed and stepped back a bit. 

"Do you have plans tonight?" Dan asked, picking his nails again, a nervous habit. Phil could tell that he was nervous but couldn't quite plan what he was nervous about. 

"I mean, I was thinking that I might go over to a friend's house. Hang out there for the night," Phil answered nonchalantly, grinning as Dan looked sad for a moment. "Dipshit, I'm talking about you." 

Dan's eyes narrowed as he glared at Phil and smacked his chest slightly, "You're so mean! I thought you had other friends for a moment. I should've know better, I'm your only friend." he grinned, nudging Phil's arm. 

"You're my best friend." he said, his voice dropping down softly so only Dan could hear. "Best friend and soulmate forever." 

Dan's heart pounded and his eyes locked with Phil's as he spoke. Soulmates? Did Phil know that Dan could already see colors? Did he figure out that it was Phil would made him see those colors? Did he figure out that Dan was hopelessly in love with him. 

"No matter who my soulmate actually is, they'll always be second to you." Phil said, "Dan, you'll be my friend forever."

Dan's heart crushed, friendzoned again.

~

At dinner that night, Dan and Phil never stopped talking the entire night, making little inside jokes and teasing remarks towards each other all night, effectively ignoring their parent's presence at the table too. Their parents in turn ignored the obvious longing gazes shared between the two boys. 

Phil was then invited to give a speech to the table, just a little one about secondary school, how it feels to be done, and how it feels to be moving on to Uni. He smiled and took the offer, taking the invisible microphone that was handed to him by Dan with a laugh. 

"So, thank you to all of you. You helped me get through this thing called life and especially secondary school. It was a lot harder than any of you guys prepared me for," he grinned as he looked at the adults at the table. "But I'm glad that I had Dan there to help me with what you guys couldn't. Dan, thank you for staying by my side. Even when I wasn't the nicest to you or when you were struggling with your own things. You're friendship means more to me than you could ever know. And now that I'm moving on, to bigger things, I am going to need all of you so much more. You guys are my everything, so thank you for being there for me."

Again, their parent's didn't mention the fact that Dan's eyes were locked on Phil's face, his lips curled in a sneaky little smile as Phil addressed the table. 

When they got home, the boys said goodnight to Dan's parents before disappearing into Dan's room. As soon as the door closed behind them, Phil was laying on Dan's bed, staring at the ceiling as he had many times before. 

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, laying down next to his friend. 

"Life."

"Very specific." Dan snorted, looking at Phil instead of the ceiling. 

"I know." Phil smiled, looking over at Dan, their eyes locking. 

"What about life?"

"The concept of soulmates." he sighed, "When I was little, I was so fascinated by the thought of soulmates. As I got older, I realized that he only reason I wanted a soulmate so bad was because I wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to be like my friends who could suddenly see what I couldn't. And now, I don't know."

"What don't you know?"

"I don't know if I should bother. If we were soulmates, then why isn't it easier to meet them? For all I know, my predestined soulmate is off in another country and I'll never meet them. I can't just put my life on hold for that." Phil said, pulling his eyes away to return to the ceiling. "I want to get married, have a family. I can't just not do that because I'm waiting to find someone."

"I get that," Dan muttered, "I feel the same way," he lied. 

"Like, why shouldn't I just go out and seize my own destiny with someone who I want to be with?"

"I don't know. Sounds like a great plan." he said, "If you're happy, who gives a shit what the universe says."

Phil paused, closing his eyes and sighing. "But..."

"But." Dan repeated, sighing as well.

"I want so desperately to be normal. I want to be able to see the color of my child's eyes or their cute little outfits. And I can't do that without finding my soulmate."

 Dan sighed, "That's true."

"What should I do?" Phil answered, looking over at Dan. 

"I don't think you should have to pick right now."

"But I do. Because either I go for it, or I hold back and wait, and I can't be stuck in this in between for any longer."

Dan took a deep breath. "I say you go for it. You can always find your soulmate while you are out living your life." he answered, looking Phil in the eyes, moving his hand closer to Phil's, hooking their pinkies together like they had many times in the past. 

"I should go for it?" Phil asked, smiling at their pinkies, watching as Dan nodded slightly. "Okay." he whispered, closing the distance between them to press their lips together. 

Dan's heart stopped, his eyes closing as he kissed back. He worked at memorizing the feeling; Phil's surprisingly soft lips pressed against Dan's chapped ones, the pressure of which Phil held the together, the softness of the motions between them. This was finally happening. Phil Lester was kissing him, something he's been wanting since he was like ten and realized that kissing was something he could do with someone he loved. He couldn't believe it. His best friend. His actual soulmate.

Phil was the one who broke the kiss, not surprisingly. He slowly dragged his lips away from Dan's, smiling to himself as he noticing Dan chasing after the feeling. They both laid back on their back, their pinkies still hooked, staring at the ceiling and the only thing Dan could repeat was,

"Okay."


	5. Blue

** Confidence **

After sitting in silence for about ten minutes, Phil spoke up, mumbling something about going to take a shower and get ready for bed before disappearing out of Dan's room. He laid back in his bed for a while, staring at the ceiling. Did that mean that Phil liked him too? 

He replayed that moment in his head over and over again, remembering what Phil felt like, smelled like, tasted like. Dan sighed, forcing himself out of bed to change into pajamas. He tugged on a pair of loose joggers and peeled his shirt off before Phil was walking back in, wearing the exact same joggers and no shirt as Dan. He couldn't help but laugh a bit. 

"We've got the same pants." he mumbled, making his way back to his bed. Phil laid down on Dan's bed, pulling the duvet on him and turning on his side to face away from Dan. 

"Goodnight," Phil said softly, not seeing as Dan just stared at Phil wide eyed. Phil was seriously just going to bed after he kissed him? Did it mean anything at all? Were they both supposed to ignore it, forget that it happened?

"Goodnight." Dan said back, not voicing his concerns as he turned his light off. 

It didn't take long before Phil was asleep, but Dan was still very much awake, his brain just replaying that kiss over and over again. Is the reason why Phil just went to bed without acknowledging the kiss because it wasn't good? Because it was so good to Dan, but with it being his first kiss, he didn't know any better. Then came the really bad thoughts. 

Why was Phil kissing him? He was just some 14 year old closeted nerd. Phil was 18, he could have anyone in the whole damn school if he wanted them. So, was it because Dan was just who was there, or was it because he wanted him? 

It's easy to say that Dan did not sleep that night. 

When Phil stirred awake, it was about ten in the morning. Dan would never get over what Phil looks like when he wakes up. He shifted about in the bed before begrudgingly snapping his eyes open, like he was trying to return to bed before just giving up. He turned on his side and looked at Dan, who was pretending to be asleep as to not concern Phil with why he was awake. Dan slowly opened his eyes to make eye contact with Phil, who with his messy bed hair and tired eyes looked so beautiful to him. He smiled a little, trying to keep himself from showing any emotion to Phil. 

"Morning," Phil spoke, and god, Dan almost melted at the tone of his voice. It was deep and laced with sleep and sexiness. 

"Morning." Dan squeaked out in return, blushing at his own tired voice, which seemed to make Phil smile. The two then sat in silence, just staring into each other's eyes, almost trying to read the other's thoughts. 

"Do you want to kiss again?" Phil asked anxiously, his eyes locked on Dan as he waited for an answer. Dan turned red, his eyes widening before nodding nervously. Phil connected their lips again, moving his lips against with a slightly faster pace than the previous night. The kiss was still soft and sweet, the two connected so perfectly. Phil brought his hand up slowly to grab the side of Dan's face, holding his cheek in his hand as he tilted his head back a little. Dan made a soft noise before pulling away with a blush on his cheeks. 

"I'm sorry, did I do something wrong?" Phil asked, pulling his hand back immediately, scooting back to give him space. 

Dan shook his head, "No, sorry. I just... I've never done this before." he answered. 

Phil nodded slightly, "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"You didn't. I was fine with that," he answered truthfully. "I'm actually quite embarrassed about how much I liked that." 

Phil chuckled a bit, sticking his tongue out a bit. "I liked it too." he said softly. "You're a good kisser."

Dan blushed, smiling to himself. "Really? Me, the 14 year old?"

Phil laughed, shoving Dan lightly, "Come on, let's play some Mario Kart."

~

"Don't you think it's weird that you are kissing a 14 year old?" Dan asked as he laid back against Phil's chest after having abandoned their game of Mario Kart after a few hours. Phil had his arms wrapped around Dan's body, holding his body close to his own. 

"Do you think it's weird to be kissing an 18 year old?" Phil wondered, letting his finger brush up and down Dan's bare arm, sending shivers down the younger boy's spine. 

"Not really, if anything I'm gonna be the most popular boy at school for snogging a Uni kid." Dan grinned, looking up at him. Phil rolled his eyes at Dan, leaning down to kiss him again, this one being too short in Dan's opinion. He shifted his weight to turn around, now facing Phil. His hands came up to cup Phil's face to bring him in for a longer kiss. A small smile twitched on Phil's lips as he felt Dan's lips against his. They held the kiss for a while, their lips moving together perfectly and their lips tugging on each other with a little giggle from Dan. 

"Honey, it's time to get up-" Dan's mum said as she opened his bedroom door, expecting to see her son and his best friend still sleeping, but instead seeing her son sitting in between his best friend's legs, kissing like there was no tomorrow, shirtless. 

Dan pulled away and shot away from Phil, shouting, "Mum! Knock next time!" as he covered his face in embarrassment. Phil's eyes widened as he looked over at her bringing his eyes back to Dan who was so red it spread to his chest. 

"I'm sorry," Phil spoke up, "It won't happen again."

She let out a little laugh, "Don't worry, boys. You aren't in trouble, just don't get too carried away." she gestured to the fact that they didn't have shirts on still. 

"Oh, we just didn't wear any to sleep last night." Phil said, glancing over at Dan who was curled up in a ball of embarrassment, "I promise we won't get carried away." 

Then it was just Dan and Phil again, Phil laughing ever so slightly as Dan just covered himself with the duvet. Phil climbed over to Dan, laying down in front of him, pulling the duvet down to see Dan's face. His eyes fluttered open to see Phil's blue ones looking back at him. 

"Hi,"

"Hi." Dan mumbled, "I can't believe that happened." he groaned, burying his face in Phil shoulder. He took a deep breath, having Phil's scent calm him down. 

"It's fine. So what? They know that you were kissing me? And your mum is cool with it."

"Phil, I wasn't out to them yet." he sighed, "I wasn't even out to you, god I hate this."

"Hate what?"

"Hate that I feel like I'm a disappointment."

Phil cupped Dan's face in his hand, brushing his thumb over the soft skin. "You are not a disappointment for being gay. Or bi. Or whatever you decide to identify as."

"I'm a disappointment for hiding it. Especially from you. I knew you weren't going to judge me, but I still hid like a little baby. I mean, I am a little baby compared to you. You're going to Uni in a few months and here I am, doing nothing with my life. Just hopelessly crushing on you like I have been for years and years and now you're leaving me and I can't even imagine what I'll do without you here." Dan choked on his words, hiding his face in Phil's neck, tears running onto his cold skin. 

"Dan," Phil said softly, pulling Dan back so he could look him in the eyes. "There's nothing wrong with being scared. I was scared to tell you that I was gay, even though I knew you would understand. As for you being a baby, you are not. Just because you're younger than me, that doesn't mean anything. You'll be at Uni in no time. You'll be fine without me, because you're so strong, Dan." he whispered, pressing his forehead to Dan's. "I love you."

"I love you too," Dan whispered back. "Phil..."

"Yes?"

"I love you as more than a friend."

Phil smiled, trying to hold back some of his laughter, but failing. He let out a roaring laughing before grinning. "Let's hope you do. Or else I've been kissing someone who's friendzoning me." 

"You love me as more than a friend?" Dan said, smiling a bit to himself.

"Yes, I do."

"How long?"

"Probably not as long as you. From the night I broke up with Theo." he explained softly. "I realized that you... wouldn't have done all those things if we were together and that I wouldn't mind it."

"Four months?" he asked, blushing a bit. 

"How long for you?"

"It's embarrassing."

"More embarrassing than your mum walking in on us snogging." Phil joked, smiling. 

"Yes."

"Just tell me, I won't judge you."

"Since I was eight." Dan whispered, looking up at him with a blush on his cheeks. 

"Six years? Oh my, I can't believe I didn't know." Phil said softly, cupping his face again, pulling him closer. "Want to make up for those six years?"

Dan's mouth ran dry, what was Phil getting at?

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Howell." Phil teased, tapping his face. "I was just going to ask you to be my boyfriend." 

Dan grinned, leaning in to kiss Phil with the force of six years of undying love and affection, holding Phil as close as he can. Phil's hands trailed down to Dan's side, digging his fingers into the skin as he kissed back with the same force. Dan pulled away slightly, smiling at Phil. 

"I'll take that as a yes?"

 


	6. Purple

** Mystery **

When Phil went off to Uni, Dan found himself scared of what the distance was going to do to their relationship, especially since it was so new to both of them. They managed to figure it out together the day they drove to drop Phil off at his dorm. Dan would come visit after school on Fridays and stay the entire weekend before leaving on Sunday night. That routine was just what they needed, someway that they could stick together while being so far apart. 

Friday night, Dan knocked on Phil's dorm door, clutching his bag in his hand, looking around a bit as he waited. The door swung open and he was met with Phil's big grin. Suddenly, big arms were pulling him inside, wrapping around his waist to kiss him deeply as he shut the door behind them. Dan smiled, moving his arms up to his neck as he dropped his bag on the floor. The two broke apart for a moment, letting them just look at each other. 

"Hi," Phil said softly. "I missed you." 

"I missed you too," he responded, smiling at him. "Let's sit down and talk." 

Phil smiled and pulled Dan over to his bed, laying down on his back, pulling Dan on top of him with a laugh. Dan hummed, brushing his fingers through Phil's hair, pushing his fringe back into a quiff. 

"What's different with you?" Phil asked, "Has anything happened with you since you last came?" 

"Well, I passed that maths test. It was hard but I managed it. And someone asked where my 'fag of a protector' was so I told them that you were banging their mum." 

Phil snorted, "I'm glad you stood up for me, thank you." he hummed, leaning up to peck his lips. 

"And my mum sat me down this afternoon before I left and gave me 'the talk'." he grinned. 

"What! You should've led with that, that's hilarious." Phil grinned. There were multiple reasons why that was funny to the two boys, the first being that Dan had already gotten that talk many years ago from Phil, the second being that the two had already started doing some more adult things together. They hadn't gone all the way yet but they had both discussed that they wanted to wait until Dan was older before they did. 

"She pretty much just looked it up online and tried to inform me about what it's like to be in a gay relationship." Dan said, cupping Phil's jaw. "Do you want to hear what she said about sex?"

"Of course."

"She said that I need to make sure that I use a condom so that I don't get AIDS and I also need to make sure that I 'prepare properly' but that I shouldn't leave that to you." Dan laughed, "She also referred to you as my soulmate." 

Phil smiled, rubbing Dan's side as he kissed him softly. He held him close as he pulled their lips apart. 

"How many terrible ways did she refer to my dick?" he asked. 

"Too many that I don't want to think about."

"Name one,"

"Magic wand." Dan said with a straight face, moving to straddle his hips. Phil laughed, holding onto Dan's hips. 

"I love you,"

"I love you too." 

~

The next couple weeks were hard for the couple, Phil had to use every minute of his free time to study as his tests started to become harder and harder. Suddenly, he couldn't even text Dan unless it was in the early morning hours just before he went to sleep. Dan was broken, he finally started to believe that maybe it wouldn't work out with Phil's workload. 

Dan had a hard day at school, mostly because he hadn't been able to sleep so that he could text Phil. When he showed up, he was already in a terrible mood but that was exasperated by the fact that as soon as he walked in the door, he was called a fag and shoved to the side. He needed Phil.

He raced to the bathroom, grabbing his phone from his pocket as he locked himself in a stall. Dan pulled up Phil's number shakily, calling him as he sunk down on the ground, tears streaming down his face. 

"Dan? What is it? I'm kinda busy." he heard Phil's voice, slightly annoyed. 

"I need you." Dan whispered, choking out a sob. "I-I didn't sleep last night and I can't handle it. They called me a fag and I just... I can't. I need you."

"Dan, slow down." Phil's tone softened. "What happened?"

"I was up last night to talk to you because I missed you and I wanted to talk to you last night and so I didn't go to sleep and as I walked in and someone called me a fag and shoved me across the corridor and I ran to the toilets and called you because I just needed you." Dan cried, closing his eyes. "I-I'm sorry I bothered you, I've just been so lonely without you."

"Don't apologize. I need to make time for you, I miss you too." he said softly. "How about I come see you this weekend. You're always traveling to see me, plus I should see my parents." 

Dan sniffled a bit. "I'd like that." he mumbled, "I'm sorry that I cried to you."

"Hey, babe, that's what I'm here for. Don't be scared to call me if you need me again. I'll see you Friday. I'll pick you up from school like I used to. I love you."

"I love you too," Dan whispered. "I miss you so much."

"I miss you more. Now, I've gotta go right now but we can call this afternoon. Bye, babe."

"Bye."

~

Phil hovered by the entrance of Dan's school, his hands fidgeting at his sides as he waited for Dan's day to end. Phil thought about texting Dan to meet him there early and ditch the last few moments of the day but he held back, just waiting the ten minutes til he was dismissed. He had the whole day planned; they would go to the Starbucks and get Dan's favorite drink then head to the park, sitting together in their little private spot that they hung out in as children before getting pizza and hiding in Phil's room for the rest of the night. 

"Dan?" Phil called as he watched Dan walk out, his eyes already scanning for Phil. He snapped his head around to see Phil, a grin coming onto his face. Dan ran over to Phil, wrapping his arms around Phil's neck to pull him in and kiss him deeply. Phil smiled against his side, holding his hands on Dan's hips. When Dan broke the kiss, Phil picked Dan up by his hips, spinning them around a bit. It was cheesy, but neither of them could complain. 

"Oh my god, I missed you so goddamn much." Dan whispered as he kissed him again, holding his face tightly. 

"I missed you too," Phil said softly, setting Dan down and grabbing his hand tightly. "Come on, I've got plans for today." 

The two headed down the street, hand in hand, Dan leaning against Phil's side as they both took turns speaking excitedly about different things that happened. 

"I've already seen my parents for a while so we've got the whole weekend for just us." Phil said softly, watching Dan open his mouth in protest. "My parents told me to. They want us to be happy so they're letting us have the house to ourselves. They went to go visit some of my family." Dan couldn't help but smile, blushing a bit at the insinuation. Sure, they've been alone at each others house for a while but never for an entire weekend and never after not seeing each other for nearly a month. 

"I'm glad." he said softly, "Where are we even going?"

"Starbucks. I'm gonna get you that caramel mocha coffee or whatever it is that you keep talking about." Phil said teasingly, pulling Dan closer to wrap an arm around Dan's waist, leading him to the Starbucks. 

After ordering their drinks, the older boy led Dan to the park just around the block. Phil dragged Dan to the back corner of the park with a laugh. 

"Remember this place?" he asked as he walked into the small area where they used to play. Instead of just a patch of grass, there were now flowers sprouting up out of the grass. Dan smiled before looking over at his boyfriend with a smile. 

"So much happened here." he whispered, slowly sinking down to sit in the flowers. "You told me you were gay here. This is where I first thought about kissing you when I was eight." he explained, looking over at Phil who was sitting next to him now. 

"I actually didn't know there were flowers here but it's perfect." Phil said softly, leaning over to kiss Dan softly. Dan grinned, pulling away to brush his hand up Phil's face. 

"It is perfect, thank you." Dan whispered. "I love you so much, Phil."

"I love you more than you could ever know."

Dan took a deep breath, smiling as he looked down at the ground, his eyes locked on the periwinkle flowers in front of him. His mind wandered to something digging it's way out of his deep sub conscience. The fact that he was seeing the colors of the flowers laid out in front of him, the color of Phil's silly jumper, the color of Phil's deep eyes and the fact that Phil wasn't seeing the same thing. The fact that he was broken. 

Dan didn't even notice that his eyes were watering until Phil was cupping his face in his hand, asking him over and over if he was okay. Dan looked over at Phil slowly, tears streaming down his face but instead of lying, he shook his head no. 

"What's wrong, did I do something wrong?" he asked, his voice laced with fear. 

Dan shook his head, his fingers reaching out to pluck the periwinkle flower he was staring at. 

"I have something to tell you," Dan whispered. "I-I need to tell you something."

"What is it?"

Dan blinked a few times, trying to figure out where to even start. He took a deep breath, bringing the flower up to his eyes a bit. "I haven't been honest with you."

"Okay, well, what were you lying about? About the loving me?" he said, hurt obvious in his words. 

"No!" Dan shouted, biting his lip. "No, of course not. I love you so much. I've just... I can... see color." Dan winced at his own words, closing his eyes in preparation for Phil's anger. He feels Phil's hand leave his face and that's all he can feel. Suddenly, he's very aware about everything around him. He can feel the flower that's in his hand and it feels like a million kilograms. He opens his eyes slowly, in search for Phil. But he can't seem to find him. 

 

 


	7. Black

** Fear **

Dan managed to stumble back home, tears stretching down his face as he stormed past his parents and into his room. As he collapsed onto his bed, his door was pushed open. Dan sat up, eyes wide as he stared at the door, expecting his boyfriend to be there.

"Dan?" he heard from his mother. A sob tore through his body as a response and he laid back down, pulling the duvet over him to hide. He knew that it wouldn't work, but he had to do something. He felt the bed sink down by his feet as his mum took a seat, her hand resting on Dan's leg. 

"Oh, honey, what happened?" she asked, rubbing his leg slightly. "Did Phil try something?"

Dan shot up, tears on his cheeks as he glared at his mother. "Mum! No! God..." he mumbled, leaning against his pillows, covering his face.

"Is it about Phil?" Dan sniffled and nodded, wiping his eyes as he looked at her. "Did he break up with you?"

"No. Yes. I don't know." he muttered, "It's all my fault. I hid it from him." 

"Hid what?"

"Color." he mumbled. "I can see color, mum. I've been able to as long as I can remember but I don't know who my soulmate is. I-I honestly thought it was Phil but he can't see it so I just kept it to myself. I told him today."

"And he didn't take it great?"

"He didn't take it at all. He just... left. I have no idea where he is or what he is thinking."

"Why did you keep it from him?" she asked, "You told him everything, so why keep this from him?"

"Because he so desperately wants to see it too." he whispered. "A-And I know that he would hate me if I told him that I could see what he can't."

"Did it ever occur to you that Phil's more upset that you hid that from him?"

Dan paused, picking at his jeans before nodding. "I should try to find him." His mum nodded, patting his leg softly. 

~

After hiding in his room for a few more hours, Dan sulked downstairs, throwing on Phil's sweatshirt he left the last time he was over. He stepped out and it felt much colder outside than it did the last him he was out. He walked over to Phil's house, climbing the steps to the porch to knock loudly on the door. When he didn't get an answer, he knocked again before admitting defeat. Phil must either not be at home or just be ignoring him. He sighed to himself and ran his hand through his hair, thinking about all the places Phil could be. The only other place he could think was that Phil returned to the park to stew with his thoughts. 

Dan started the walk to the park, trying to figure out exactly what he would say if he did find Phil? He can't take back the fact that he can see colors. The only thing he could do is apologize for not telling him sooner. He didn't even know how he could answer some of the questions he assumed would be asked. 

Who was his soulmate? Well, the short answer is that Phil is. He will be no matter who destiny says is his soulmate. 

How long has he seen colors? He doesn't even remember when he first saw the colors, that's how early in his life it happened.

Was he broken? He was inclined to believe that yes, he is broken. He doesn't have a soulmate and for some reason can see color. 

Why didn't he tell Phil earlier? He was scared.

Dan's mind didn't settle on a single topic the entire walk to the park, he just honed in on the sound of his own footsteps, listening to the heavy sound of his feet dragging on the pavement. As he approached the corner where he was sat with Phil just hours before, having a happy date together, he felt a drop of water fall on his head. He sighed, squeezing his eyes shut as he just thought, trying to see where Phil could be. He could've done back to Uni, but that's the only thing Dan can think of. Just as Dan's eyes open, the drops of water speed up into a pour. Dan gasped at the cold rain, huffing to himself as he started to jog back home to avoid getting soaked even though he already was. 

The weather reminded him of the past few hours. When it began, it was sunny with no clouds to be seen. As they sat in the park, Dan's fingers plucking the flower from the ground, the first drop fell. And as Phil left him alone, the downpour began. 

Dan decided to try his house once more before giving up for the night, hiding in his room to wallow with his depression and self-hatred. He jogged up to Phil's door, knocking harshly on the door, shivering beneath Phil's too big for him Uni hoodie. The door swung open in his face and he came face to face with Phil who had changed into a pair of joggers and a loose shirt he usually wore to bed. 

Phil immediately stepped out of the way, letting Dan walk in without a word. He just stared at the shivering boy in confusion. 

"Why are you all wet?" Phil asked, his tone different than before. 

"I-I was out looking for you," he shivered, stripping off Phil's sweatshirt, his shirt underneath also drenched. 

"I just got back." he mumbled, taking the sweatshirt from Dan's hand to take over to the laundry room. On his way back, he stopped in the kitchen to start a kettle of water. "I'm making you some tea so you can warm up. Go get changed, I'll be here when you get back." Dan nodded, going to Phil's room to pick out an outfit, stealing a pair of comfy pajama pants and a jumper with cats on it. He changed into the outfit, bringing the wet clothes out to the laundry. For some reason, Phil didn't really seem angry to Dan. Maybe a little withdrawn, but not angry. 

As Dan took a seat at the kitchen counter, he took a cup of tea with a soft thank you, watching Phil as he took a small sip. Phil stood across the kitchen from Dan, just watching the boy in front of him. 

"Can I explain?" Dan asked softly, setting the cup down on the counter. Phil sighed, tapping his finger on his own cup. 

"I mean, I don't know how you can explain that." he mumbled. "You can see color. That's that."

"I know," Dan whispered. 

"When? When did you... start seeing color?"

"I've been able to as long as I remember... The first time I remember it being a problem that I knew I needed to hide was when I was four. You started crying and talking about how much you wanted to see the colors. I knew I couldn't just tell you that I... could." Dan sighed, dropping his head down a bit. "I-I feel so... broken. I'm so sorry." he choked out. 

"If," Phil took a deep breath. "Who is it then?" 

"Who's my soulmate?" Dan asked, watching as Phil nodded a confirmation. "Well, I don't know. I spent the first couple years of my life believing that it was you, but once we got older it was very apparent that you weren't. It's cheesy, but I don't really care who my soulmate is because I met you and you're my actually soulmate. I don't know how I could function without you." he answered, standing up to walk over to Phil cautiously. When Phil allowed him to stand face to face with him, Dan rested his hand on Phil's arm. 

"I know I fucked up. I should've told you before this, I know that. But it's too late now and what's been done is done. I-I can't go back in time and fix this mistake so all I can do is ask you to forgive me." Dan begged, his voice cracking. "Please." 

Phil sighed, leaning away to set his cup of tea down before pulling Dan into a constricting hug, his eyes shut tightly. "I forgive you. I know you didn't want to hurt me."

"I never want to hurt you," 

"I know. I love you," Phil whispered, pressing his lips against Dan's shoulder, holding him as tightly as he could without cutting off his air. 

"I love you more than you could ever know,"

 


	8. White

** Perfection **

Phil was sitting in the front row with his family as Dan walked across the stage, his body covered in a black robe with the only thing visible being Phil's red polka dot shoes that Dan begged to borrow for that day. Phil's never smiled bigger than when the same monotonous voice that announced his name four years ago uttered 'Daniel James Howell' and Dan walked across the stage, his eyes locked with Phil's as he made his way across without tripping. He made his way back to his seat, his other classmates ignored in favor for Phil who stared back. 

When the ceremony was over, Dan made his way over to Phil who stood with a bouquet of periwinkle flowers that his mum helped pick out since they were Dan's favorite color. What Dan never told Phil was that they were the closest thing in nature to Phil's eyes. He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, picking him up and twirling around with a laugh. Once Dan was placed back down on the ground, he gave his parents each big hugs before moving onto Phil's parents, thanking each of them. The parents stepped back to discuss that nights dinner plans, leaving the boys to stare into each other's eyes. 

"I'm so proud of you, Dan." Phil whispered, wrapping his arms around Dan again, pulling him into a bone crushing hug. Dan yelped in surprise, giggling as he hugged him back, gripping onto the sweater Phil was wearing. "You worked so hard to get here."

Dan smiled to himself, burying his face in Phil's neck. "You got me here." he whispered back. Even though everyone at his school was around them, talking excitedly with their families, Dan couldn't hear anything other than Phil's heartbeat and breathing. It was like it was just the two of them there. 

"Do you have any plans for after dinner? With any of your friends or anything?"

Dan grinned, remembering when he had basically this same conversation with Phil on his graduation day. "Hmm, let me think. Do I have plans with my zero other friends? Nope, looks like my calendar is clear." 

Phil laughed, the laugh he fell in love with, "Do you want to go back to my flat?" he asked, turning to Dan's parents a bit. "That is if it's okay with you guys." 

Dan's mum rolled her eyes a bit, "Of course it's fine. You've practically lived there for the past year." she teased. 

"Thank you, Mrs. Howell." Phil said politely, knowing he didn't need to address her as that. Dan rolled his eyes a bit, nudging Phil in the side before looking up at him with a pout. Phil looked with a sly smile on his lips as he feigned ignorance. 

"What do you want?"

Dan huffed, "Kiss." he mumbled before leaning up the inch or two between them to kiss him softly, something he wished he could've done at Phil's graduation. Phil grinned against his lips and tugged him closer by his robe. The two broke away as their parents announced they were heading out to dinner, a smile shared between the two. 

~

At dinner that night, the boys held hands under the table, making little inside jokes and teasing remarks towards each other all night, effectively ignoring their parent's presence at the table. This time, their parents didn't have to ignore the longing gazes shared between the two boys. 

Dan was then invited to give a speech to the table, just a little one about secondary school, how it feels to be done, and how it feels to be moving on to Uni. He grinned, clearing his throat as he took the invisible microphone from Phil without further discussion. 

"Hello family," he started, already laughing at himself. "I just want to say that every single person at the table has had a profound impact on my life. Each of you have helped me with maths, literature, or life in more than one way. I wouldn't be here without you. Now, Phil. I'm going to try to avoid getting sappy right now." he cleared his throat. "When we got together, I was just a scared little closeted baby. You helped me accept who I was, every piece of it. And as a thank you for that, I have something for you." Dan looked across the table to his mum who in return pulled a wrapped gift out of her bag. "Now, she might have had it in her purse but she doesn't know what it is either." he smiled, handing it over to Phil who looked at his boyfriend with tears in his eyes. 

"Dan, no, this is a celebration of you."

"Phil, how long is it going to take you to realize that you are a part of me."

"Much much longer." Phil joked, smiling a bit as he begrudgingly ripped open the paper with precision. 

"Oh my god, it's paper, just rip it." Dan joked, laughing at him. 

"I have a feeling that this is going to be an important gift and I want to keep the paper for the memories."

"You'll have plenty of things to remember this by, just rip the paper." Dan complained with a childish whine, watching as Phil gave in and began shredding the paper open. He furrowed his brows as he pulled out a thick three ring binder full of papers. He looked over at Dan for a moment. 

"Is this a scrapbook?"

"Just open it," Dan said softly, resting his hand on Phil's arm. He took a deep breath before opening it up, scanning the words on the first page. 

"Read it out loud," Kath insisted, grinning huge. 

Phil's mouth nearly dried up as he tried to read, his eyes watering. "I-I..." he tried. "Holy shit,"

"Language, Phil." Dan teased. 

"A Comprehensive Study On The Neurology of Soulmates. Daniel Howell." Phil whispered Dan's name. "Dan, what is this?"

"So, do you remember your buddy, Joe, that I meant once at your dorm a few years ago. Well, we got chatting online about you and I remembered that he was going for biochemistry and so I told him that I wanted to conduct and experiment behind your back but I'd need his tech for it. I explained to him that I wanted to compare the difference in brain scans between someone who has found their soulmate and someone who has not. And actually, the information is quite interesting." Dan explained, taking the binder from Phil and flipping through to a page with three photos on it. "The first photo here is the photo of the person who had not found their soulmate yet. We asked them a series of questions, mostly memory based but some logic based and recorded their brain activity on an MRI. Here you can see that there brain typically lit up here, here, and here." he pointed at the bright spots on the page. "But failed to light up anywhere else. Those parts of the brain were parts that were largely in charge of memory and logic, but they weren't being used."

"The second photo is the MRI of the person who had found their soulmate. We asked them the exact same questions and the brain lit up in more spots than the first. Now, the brain was utilizing the parts that control memory and logic, so their answers for the questions were improved from the first person's." Dan explain, continuing to point at parts of the photos he was referring to. Phil stared at his boyfriend in awe.

"So, what's the third one?" Phil asked, looking up. 

"That's you." Dan said, a small satisfied smile on his face. 

"But," he paused, furrowing his brows. "I never did an MRI." 

"Yes you did, three years ago, you were the first test subject behind me and Joe. You were so excited to be in that machine, remember?" he grinned. Phil stared into space before grinning, looking back at his parents for a moment before returning to Dan. 

"I don't remember any questions."

"Well, they were subtle. We couldn't let you know we were testing you, so mostly Joe asked you questions about classes you were taking. A.K.A..."

"Memory and logic," Phil piped up.

"Exactly."

"So, what does my brain tell you?" 

"Your brain, when asked the questions, lit up here, here, here, here, and here." Dan explained pointing at the photo. "Those areas of stimulation is on par with someone who has met their soulmate. With one key difference." Dan pointed to a light gray area towards the back of the brain. "That, right there, is what is called the Color Center." 

"The..."

"It's in charge of transmitting color from the eyes. So, basically, your eyes take in everything you see, and send it back to you brain which processes it into a photo for you. Lightning fast. Well, that area is in charge of making that photo, a colored photo. It's not working, just as if you never met your soulmate."

"But I have met my soulmate, everything else says so."

"Yup."

"And how accurate is this experiment?" Phil's dad chimed in. 

"I mean, I'm not like a recognized scientist or anything but I had plenty of help from people who know what they are doing. It's being published in a week, with someone else's name, of course. I didn't do all the work, I pretty much just pitched an idea and stood by while the real scientists did the work and then taught me what it was." Dan finished, closing the book and setting it down on the table. 

"Dan," Phil stared at him, not knowing where to start. He just pulled Dan into a tight hug, burying his face in his shoulder. "I love you."

"I love you too," Dan whispered, kissing his head. 

The boys left together from dinner, saying there goodbyes to their parents before crowding into Phil's car together. The drive to Phil's flat about ten minutes away, the only sound filling the car being the sickly sweet voice of Lana Del Ray and the occasional hum from either boy. They didn't address anything that happened at the dinner. They didn't try to talk. They just sat, enjoying each other's presence like it could be there last. A word wasn't shared between the two until they had already made it to Phil's flat, up the three flights of stairs, and into the lounge.

Phil sucked in a deep breath as he sat down next to Dan, his hand reaching out to grab his jaw. "I love you,"

"I love you too," Dan said softly, his voice fond and satisfied. "Did you like my present?"

"It was perfect. Thank you," Phil whispered, pulling Dan into his lap, just wrapping his arms around his stomach to hold him against his chest. Dan hummed, nuzzling his face in his chest as he took a deep breath, just engulfing all his senses with Phil. 

"Do you think there is anything they can do to fix me?" Phil asked hesitantly.

"I don't think you need fixing. I think you are perfect the way you are." Dan answered truthfully, his eyes looking up at the boy he laid on. "Just think about it from my perspective for a moment, Phil."

Phil sighed, "I know," he mumbled, tapping his fingers nervously on Dan's leg. "I just wish I could be like everyone else."

"You're better than everyone else. Because no one else puts up with my annoying ass like you do. And no one loves more than you do, or is nicer than you are. You are a ray of fucking sunshine, Phil. I truly believe that everyone else in the world is below you in every way expect for the fact that you can't see colors."

"But," Phil whispered, tears dripping down his cheeks which were now bright red. "I want to be able to tell you that I like the color of your jumpers or be able to buy you your favorite flowers without help."

"I don't care about all that. I love you for you. I fell in love with the boy in front of me who can't see color, before I knew that it was your brain. I was completely content with living with you, my actually real life soulmate until I perish at the ripe age of 35." Dan smiled, though his eyes were watering just as bad as Phil's. "I love you, Phil Lester. Color or not, I'll always love you."

"I love you too." he sniffled, resting his head on top of Dan's. "You're not going to die at 35 if I have anything to say about it."

Dan laughed, squeezing his eyes shut. "I know."

_fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone who's made it this far. I just want to say thank you for reading and that comments are always encouraged. I want to talk about the ending for a moment. 
> 
> This final chapter was difficult for me to write. I don't want to part with this narrative at all, but I knew that it would have to end. I didn't want it to be anticlimactic or end on a cliffhanger, so I figured this would be the best way to go. I might write an epilogue if enough people insist on it, but I feel like the story is all wrapped up in this chapter. 
> 
> xoxo


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